Suddenly, ‘Writing and Other Stuff’ has become about the ‘other stuff’. Today, in a telephone consultation with my doctor, I came face to face with my own mortality. Yesterday’s X-Ray is today’s probability of lung cancer. More tests – a CT scan etc., etc., … but 50 years a smoker and the results are not hard to visualise.
It’s a strange place to be – probability without certainty (but I’m pretty sure – it’s my body after all). There is a newness about it, an altered reality. My new reality is less than two hours old. All I have is words. All I have in the insanity of my fractured thoughts is this blog, where I put one word after the other, and it makes me feel better. Somehow, I doubt this will be the outcome of today’s blog. But I write because it is a normality in a new world. A world that has changed with a conversation, an image on an X-Ray. I am no different to the ‘me’ I was this morning. I don’t feel sick, or changed, or different. But everything is changed now. Because I know.
I’m sitting here with a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and a huge bar of chocolate, because right now I don’t give a shit what poor diet does to my body. Tomorrow I will possibly think differently. Possibly not. There is a long road ahead, and I have no idea what the choices will be along that road.
I do know that a genie has been let out of a bottle today. Every time I open my mouth, a new honesty spills out. I haven’t got time for obfuscation. If I piss people off, that’s just tough. Those who love me will understand.
Tomorrow, I will greet the day as if it is my last. I will notice things I take for granted. And somehow, I will manage the fear, the anger, the regret for things I haven’t yet done. I will prevail. Somehow.